Reminder:
You Might Also Like
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Why soy sad?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Worst bar ever.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.