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Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife: