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My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Wait a minute…
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo