Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

This woman is my idol. Free her.

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF