Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
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Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
asking santa clause for nudes
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
mom had nothing to worry about
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do