Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
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When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
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‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses