reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
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I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.