reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
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I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.