REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
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Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time