Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

My dog after a walk in the woods.

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

The human personality is made of five key elements

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.