Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Meow
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.