ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
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me: [gets on one knee]
me: [reaches into pocket]
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
“We hug and kiss, but people just don’t lick each other.”
-yet another lie I just told my toddler
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.