@robdelaney

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

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@PaperWash

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

@Vodkantots

“We hug and kiss, but people just don’t lick each other.”

-yet another lie I just told my toddler

@HenpeckedHal

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

@GreenishDuck

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

@LeonardCowalski

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

@daddydoubts

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

@TheJollygunner

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.