Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

As a doctor, I can confirm

“Awkward silences are the worst”

*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.