Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

ㅤ

Split the bill

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom