Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
You Might Also Like
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
screw you
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!