Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

fourth time’s the charm

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”