reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
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*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
What is going on? 😅
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me