reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
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69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
emergency phone
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
It’s his time
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?