Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers