Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
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What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
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Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Happy Friday
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Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.