Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

time for some seasonal decor

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.