Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
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Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.