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I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.