Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

shazam but for random noises outside

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

The A string on my guit_r is flat

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous