Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

Google assistant rules

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

How software testing works

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it