reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
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therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
repaired
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter