reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
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If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.