Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
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Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Erm I’m gonna say no
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Tough love is true love
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*