Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
You Might Also Like
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work