Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
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I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Danger is very dangerous
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There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain