Reminds me of when I was young and the landscaper used to let me run bare feet over the freshly cut grass. Those days are lawn gone.
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Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes