reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
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My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I’M CRYINGGG
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.