reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
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Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself