Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

hello pervert is such a strong opener

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*