Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
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“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*