Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.