Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
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Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances