“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Me: can you please keep that awful noise down?
Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don’t control who’s running for president.
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Her: Let’s go shopping.
Me: In your dreams.
Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi.
Me: Why are we still here?
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.
If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get it for you.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
911: Placing you in protective custody.