ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
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The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.