Remorse?
I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.
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Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
This came to me in a dream.
This was my dad’s browser history.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now