Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

He-man has a Masters degree

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body