Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

I just tested negative for patience.

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

Brother?

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids