Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.

“Easy to use instructions.”

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

I’m tired tomorrow.

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower