Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

My love language is deader than Latin

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.