Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

Bro what is this

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.