Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I’m not stressed
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Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
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You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Stop.
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*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.