Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
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Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I love texting my boyfriend
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?