me: one cocaine mcflurry please
employee: u already know i can’t do that
employee: machine’s broken
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ME: my credit’s bad
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Never judge a book by its cover unless it looks stupid.
So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.