Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
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I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby