“removed the top of my desk for cleaning. cat did not understand”

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me: one cocaine mcflurry please

employee: u already know i can’t do that

me: why?

employee: machine’s broken


9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.


[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car


Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward


Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”


So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist


Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.


I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.