Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.