*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
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Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
my dad has had enough
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over