*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
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*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you