Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

How I like cutting carbs

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

I wish I were this cool 😂

Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less