*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
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If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
broke down and did it
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Mountain Goat : )
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Respect
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*