@envydatropic

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

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@ibid78

[A-ha rehearsal]
“Here’s the lyric: Take On Me.”
“What about Take Me On?”
[4 hrs of arguing later]
“Ok we’ll say both. Now let’s get perms.”

@Rschooley

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

@zachreinert03

Reporter got asked about any survivors of a plane crash & said ‘its up in the air’. Dude if it was up in the air we wouldn’t be in this mess

@BoogTweets

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

@TheCiscoKidder

I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

@sonictyrant

DATE: So what do you do?

ME (a night watchman): I’m a night—

DATE: I hope it’s something thrilling

ME: —shyamalan

@shadygeekdad

My father in law is one of those “deep sigh until someone asks what’s wrong” kind of women.

@steveolivas

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.