*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
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When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door