Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

SQUARREL

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”