*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
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I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.