Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!

The second world war should have been called world war returns

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

That’s incredible! 👌

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.

-me sharing my fries

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.