*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
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the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
That was easy.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.