“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”

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Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you


[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure


On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.


Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.


I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.


Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men


[Magician Convention]

Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear

Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..

Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!

om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!


Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room


A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.


I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..