Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
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Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭