@heroinsdemise

“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”

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@OrdinaryAlso

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

@DurtMcHurtt

My attention span is shorter than donuts are better with sprinkles.

@KevinFarzad

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

@LionJenkins

Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!

Me winking and leaning on the stove: You’re Hot, Baby.

911: What’s your emergency?

@LlamaInaTux

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

@PondHockeyPro

Mechanic: Start it up and let me hear it.

*starts car

Mechanic: Oh that doesn’t sound right.

Me: THAT’S WHY I’M HERE AND NOT AT SUBWAY

@sarcasm_inc

Bouncer: Woah. Dress code
Me: This is a suit
B: Yeah, a chicken suit.
*puts nugget in bouncer’s pocket
*pats it
M: We good?
B: Have fun, sir