“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”

“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”

- @heroinsdemise

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It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.


me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!


I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.


*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]


[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]


Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!


The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.


*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?


Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.


Yeah, he jumped from 128,000 feet, but I fixed the shower today with a 4yo asking what i was doing 128,000 times….

Lets call it tie, ok?


Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.