“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”

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*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*


Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*


You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.


[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials


Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student


[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral


“I’m supes scared & all alone & in my underwear. What’s that noise in the basement? I should totes go check it out.”

– Virgins tonight