[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
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jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
mom had nothing to worry about
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
this chia pet tastes awful
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
💻🤡
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.