Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.