*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
You Might Also Like
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
But that’s none of my business
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Unexpected Judgment
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
☠️
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.