*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
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[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
What fresh Hell is this?!?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.