Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
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[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.