Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

Them: You should try keto
Me:

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

Liquor Store Parking

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

Twitter is the new flypaper.

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight