Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

My first child will be named New Folder.