Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
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I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.