Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.