Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.