Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send