[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
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Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Okey dokey.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”