[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
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Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.